Codependency and Partner Abuse

One common misunderstanding of abuse victims is that they are codependent and thus on some level partially to blame for the abuse. I've had even the most supportive, loving friends who stood by me in the divorce say implicitly accusatory things to me like: "Well, you made a terrible mistake" and "You let him abuse you" and "I would never let anyone abuse me like that." When Wycliffe was evaluating whether they would let me stay after my divorce from an abusive marriage, they asked me to assess my "understanding of co-dependency and other unhealthy relational dynamics and how they negatively impacted [my] marriage." I understood from this statement that they were blaming me for the abuse. It did me great damage and contributed in part to my feeling unwelcome in the missions world and resigning. Codependency is a term misapplied to partner abuse. It was originally coined to describe enablers in addiction, not abuse. I consulted the world’s leading expert on partner abuse, Lundy Bancroft, about this matter at a seminar in March 2015. He stated that abuse is not caused or furthered by codependency in all but the most exceptional of cases. He also mentions this in his book: "Abused women aren’t ‘codependent.’ It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships.” Dr. Clare Murphy argues that "Codependence implies women stay with violent and otherwise abusive men because they are attracted to being abused, like it, and want it. Whereas, in reality, women engage in multiple strategies to stop the abuse, to help the man change, to protect themselves and their children, or to avoid being abused in the first place.” She also states that "Blaming the victim is tantamount to abusing her." Please stop further abusing victims of abuse through blame, even implicitly. The scary thing about removing this false belief about codependency is that it means anyone can find themself in an abusive relationship. Anyone. I was not abused because there is something fundamentally broken and wrong in my psyche. I was abused because an abuser set his sights on me and deceptively pretended to be something he was not until he had me trapped in ironclad marriage vows that at the time I believed I could never, ever escape without hurting my relationship with God. I continued to be abused because leaders and counselors of my faith are so poorly informed about abuse, evangelical Christian teachings teach much about female submission but virtually nothing about the dangers of abuse, and because most Christians have not logically explored the need for divorce in cases of abuse. Sadly, I had to leave the church and my missions agency in order to save myself. If I were truly codependent, I would have stayed in both abusive relationships, with church and partner. I would have craved that abuse. I recently had a conversation with my counselor about whether I could have kept from "letting him abuse me." I said, "The one time I truly defied the abuse, stood up to him firmly, quietly, without losing control, and said, 'NO'...he shattered a chair in front of my face to force me to have surgery I did not want to have. I gave in. What was I supposed to do? What if I'd kept defying him? What would he have done next? What could I do?" (Also knowing that counselors and leaders would hold me partially responsible for provoking him with my lack of submission. She said, "You're absolutely right. I never counsel abused women to stand up to him because they might be endangered further. The first priority is to keep her and any children safe." I said, "But given the rate of change of abusers, how can you stop abuse other than to leave? And many Christians don't believe in divorce." She said, (and this is a Christian counselor) "There is no way for a woman to stop the abuse. Except to leave." Last of all, friends who think to yourself you'd "never let a man treat you like that..." Yes, you would. Would you give up so quickly on a marriage to someone who apologized profusely with tears every time you left, made heartfelt promises to change, told you he was deeply troubled by childhood abuse and needed your help, confessed that he felt attacked by Satan, and at the darkest times would suddenly turn and say Jesus had spoken to him and begun to heal him? Would you not have been inspired by the patient, trusting, hoping, non-record-keeping perseverance, of 1 Cor 13? Would you have seen through the lies immediately? Would you have turned your back on your wedding vows and your love of forgiveness, your compassion and your cognizance of your promise "til death do us part"? Would you have been able to see where the closest others in your life didn't see red flags, and not a single person was advising you to leave him? Yes, eventually you would have come to see the light as I did, and finally made your decision and left. But it would have taken you some time to find resources and come to an understanding, just as it took me.  

So please don't blame me, or other women, for staying. I already have a lot of people who blame me for leaving. I need those of you who know the destructiveness of abuse to be on my side and not blame me for staying. Bancroft really helped me when he told me, "What abusers prey on is a woman's ability to love and forgive. But these are good qualities in people and in society. We don't want to tell women not to be like that. We want to encourage all of society, men and women, to have those qualities." Works Cited Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York: Berkley Books, 2002. Loc 2439 of 7338. Kindle file. Murphy, Clare, PhD. "Are women who live with abusive partners codependent?” In Speak Out Loud About Coercive Control and Psychological Abuse. http://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/are-women-who-live-with-abusive-partners-codependent. 8 July 2009.